Our Nieces Visit TX: The Blooper Reels

When our nieces (ages 9 & 11) come to visit, Joe and I get a little taste of parenting. Granted, we are thrown into "parenthood" and it is really nothing like being the full-time, real McCoy parent, but from time to time we catch a glimpse of our respective parenting styles and see the effects of children on our everyday pseudo-yuppie lifestyles. Sometimes it's flawless, and other times it is cringe-worthy.

The elder of the girls is an early riser. She takes after her Uncle Joe. When I would wake up (about 10:00...what?! We stayed up late, it's summer!) I would find her sitting on the couch twiddling her thumbs in boredom, starving for breakfast. I mean, at least turn on the television or something, girlfriend! It's creepy. But she didn't because she is considerate like that. Finally, after witnessing this pathetic scene for a couple of days, I just told her to help herself to the kitchen. This was an interesting experiment involving the breakfast choices of a child left to fend for herself. There were 3 containers of fresh, precut, mixed, fruit, yogurt, whole-wheat bread, and milk and juice to which she had easy access. (Note the absence of sugary kiddie cereals, 'cause I'm a good "parent" like that.) So what does she choose? Whole wheat toast.... slathered with Nutella, of course. She knows her Uncle Joe keeps a stash in the pantry.

The younger of the girls always slept in later than me, so I could have something fixed for her by the time her feet hit the floor. I'd like to think that I would be more on top of this as a parent of children this age, but I wonder.

Another interesting and frightening effect of being thrust into "parenthood" was a drastic decline in automobile operating safety. This particularly effected Joe. There were a handful of close calls pulling in and out of parking lots when Joe was driving. It wasn't as though the girls were misbehaving and creating a distraction, it was their mere presence that threw him for a loop from his normal, cautious driving. I'm sure the resulting shrieking coming from the back seat didn't help their usually cool, charismatic uncle play it off as well as he normally would have either.

Having children seems to also amplify our idiosyncracies.

Joe is a particularly punctual person, while I tend to be, how shall I say this...well, I don't value strict, self-imposed timelines as highly as Joe. Don't get me wrong, I hate being late. It stresses me out being "tardy for party," but I sometimes just can't get my arse in gear to meet Joe's " arriving 10 minutes early is on time...on time is late" mentality. I suppose my lack of military conditioning and self-discipline is glaringly obvious during these times.

When Joe starts prodding me to leave and I haven't taken inventory, usually I forget something important because I get so flustered. We just have different styles and it can be a source of friction. Joe isn't the most patient person and I don't like being rushed along.

The Saturday morning we took the girls to Orange, TX to meet their parents was a comedy of errors. We'd spent the night at my parents' house since we needed doggie-daycare for Harry, Pheebs, and Oskar. How was I supposed to know when I got up and plugged in my iPhone that morning to download some music that there would be a 20 minute update for iTunes? Who cared anyways? It was 7:30am, I was proud of myself for getting up before Joe, and I was looking forward to stopping for kolaches at the Country Czech Bakery and Starbucks--food and caffeine is always an incentive for me. I had the girls up and waiting on the couch, their bags loaded in the car, their air mattress deflated, and blankets folded and put away. I was was even dressed and groomed. Unfortunately, for me, Joe hit the ground running and was ready to go when my phone was only a third of the way updated. Prodding, eye-rolling, and heavy sighing ensued, but at least I had emergency tunes. I don't know what his big hurry was anyways.

We stopped first at the bakery for kolaches and chocolate milk for the girls. For reasons I won't go into, the cup holder in the pulldown arm rest in back was inoperable due to the placement of a large "activity box" strategically separating the girls in the backseat. So I had the genius idea to use the cup holders on the lid of the center console compartment that flipped open into the back seat. In fact, I was proud of my cleverness for thinking about those little used cup holders that Acura had so thoughtfully included.

See? Acura had the foresight to add an extra cup holder for when the others were compromised by sibiling separation devices or an "activity box."

Our next stop was Starbucks. I suppose we were already eons behind schedule in Joe's mind--even though it was more like 15 minutes. So he paid and hurriedly drove off sans coffee. He didn't get far (about 5 feet) before I inquired what the heck did he think he was doing driving off without our precious caffeine. Shocked at his own absentminded error, Joe attempted to throw it in reverse and beat the next car in line to the drive-thru window to retrieve the lifeblood of my pre-lunch existence. In his tizzy, Joe forgot that my car had a rearview mirror and instead swung his torso, elbow and all around to check for clearance, thus sending the bottle of chocolate milk, for which I had so craftily found a home, hurtling forward onto my center console where it exploded. Chocolate milk filled my center console cup holders, permeated though the contents of my center console storage compartment, and trickled down the steering wheel and Joe's legs. I'm not sure about the physics of the whole mess, but there was chocolate milk in areas of my car that are simply mind-boggling.

Remember the scene in the classic holiday film, A Christmas Story when the cantankerous dad is yelling obscenities from the basement? yeah. It was sorta like that. Joe managed to pull into a parking spot while I scrambled to find absorbent material in the car to sop up the sticky chocolate mess.

"Just go inside and get the coffee," I ordered with such remarkable calm that I was even a little surprised at the gentleness of my delivery. I knew I had to get Joe out of there before he had a coronary. I had a total of three fast food napkins, a pair of socks left in the car from bowling the night before, and a handful of paper trash in the side pocket of my door. I grabbed it all. If the dogs had been with us, I would have grabbed them, too. I stuffed the socks in the cupholder, which was now serving as a brimming reservoir of chocolate diary. I attempted to wipe up the chocolate milk, but three Wendy's napkins just weren't cutting it.

Joe returned with our exceptionally hot coffee and a stack of napkins. He handed the coffee to me. Where was I supposed to put it? My cupholders were obviously incapacitated so I just stuck the paper-thin cups between my legs and continued to clean while the coffee burned my thighs. At one point Joe suggested that I put the coffee on the floor, but the thought of more liquid spilling in my car made the pain seem worth it.

Now, I fully share responsibility in the orchestration of this unfortunate chocolate milk accident. But to my credit, if there's any to be had, I noticed that Acura redesigned the center console and the flipping cup holder option is no longer available. I'd like to think that we weren't the first to experience such a fiasco and Acura realized their flawed design in light of dozens, dare I say hundreds, of tragic cup holder accidents.

There are many lessons we can take away from this experience:

-Don't eat in the car is the first to come to mind. "Duh!" you say? It is a bad habit, I concede.

-Long car rides and children do not mix. It can be stressful, blood-pressure elevating, agony at times. It makes one appreciate sleeping children as well as ponder the use of over the counter drugs to knock them out for the duration of the trip. But I will say when the volume in the back seat escalated, Joe held my hand. It genuinely neutralized the negative charge that was building in me and helped me relax. It's comforting to know that in spite of our differences we can seek refuge in each other when things get stressful.

Having children around gives one a multitude of blogging material. I have so much to share about my week with kiddos that I could write a novel. But, I won't.

Here's what I loved:

- Katelyn's original cheers. Here's a sample inspired by the new Mardi Gras mask she scored in New Orleans: "We are so fine and so great, we even go on your face! Go Mask! Go Go Go Mask!" I tried to ignore the "we even go on your face" part. hehehe

-Kristen's diplomacy. She was helpful in explaining things to her younger sister when I simply wasn't getting through.

- They LOVED playing school in my classroom. It was hilarious to watch them role play. One would play the bad student and illicit disciplining from the teacher. I had told them the reason why I kept my whiteboard markers put up was because they "grew legs and walked off" if I didn't. They were shocked that a student would have the gall to do such a thing. So in one role playing instance, Katelyn wrote an invisible student a discipline referral for marker theft and explained to him why he had to go to the principal.

-Shopping with girls. Kids clothing is relatively cheap so I had no problem loading them up with things to try on. Kristen just may be a model someday. Everything fits her twiggy little frame. It was a lot of fun and they got a few back to school items in the process.

-Their passion for Michael Jackson songs only grew since last summer when he died while the girls were here with us. Our call name at Twisted Root Burger the afternoon of his death was Billie Jean. They were struck by the coincidence. They "know" all of the words to "Beat It," "Billie Jean," and "Thriller." And Katelyn has the moves from Thriller down to a tee. It is hilarious to watch her do the shoulder twitch.

- They played with the Photo Booth program on my computer and left dozens of hilarious photos for me.

- Trends that were cool when I was a kid are once again cool. I taught them how to make friendship bracelets. They made at least a dozen on the car-ride from New Orleans to Dallas. Fun!

:) I look forward to their 3rd annual Texas Trip next summer.